Monster
by Empress Dots
Summary: Sometimes, Rinoa Heartilly has to take a moment to ponder Sorceresses, SeeDs, monsters, and what she just might become.


**Don't own FFVIII.**

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He had looked at her with disdain in his eyes, a feeling she can never forget. He had been betrayed by his friends, his allies, his _home,_ and her last of all. He had nothing left to lose, then (which is why she thinks that he kept going with the charade, even if he knew it was a grand puppet-show).

She can even now recall the way he said the words, the way they rolled right off of his lips, the half-sneer on his lips—other half confusion and masked pain that she had learned to recognize from that summer spent with him. She can even remember the shaded confusion in his eyes (she has always been good at reading people, he himself told her so that summer, and she likes to think it is true). She knows he wasn't even sure if he was doing the right thing, if his dream was really being fulfilled, if he was really a Sorceress' Knight or just a Sorceress' puppet.

But Seifer has never been one for doing things halfway.

She recalls the insults flung by Zell, and the words said by Squall and Seifer's own words in return.

_"To us, Seifer, you're just another enemy, like the monsters."_

_"You're comparing me to them? I ain't no monster."_

She could see it in his eyes then, how he wasn't even sure of what he was saying. But he had gone all the way through, typical of Seifer, and been a knight-puppet to Ultimecia (she was a puppet as well but she doesn't like to remember that) to the end. And the whole time he had denied being a monster, being an enemy, being a lapdog or a plaything. Even when it all ended, he had felt bad but had never called himself a monster.

And now she sits on a dock of Balamb, watching Zell and Selphie try to fish, and just thinks about what has happened to her and what she has become.

Sorceress Rinoa Heartilly.

Powers of Ultimecia-Edea-Adel, all locked inside her. She is dangerous. Dangerous. The other Garden students whisper about her (it's ridiculous to pretend they don't; she can hear them talking) and point and wonder.

Is she insane? Is she going to kill us? Aren't SeeDs supposed to kill sorceresses?

Isn't she a monster?

She curls her legs against her and wraps her hands around her ankles (it's an old nervous habit she developed when she was little, back when Julia, her mother, died) and buries her head between her legs and doesn't watch the sky for fear that it will fall down on her.

Isn't she just a monster? A motherless, pitiless, coldhearted monster?

And now she starts to shake as she imagines the looks they give her and the fear she can see in them (more like she can _feel_ it in them, seeping out of their very souls like a foul scent), the anticipation of her insanity and betrayal and the fact that they don't _think_ it will happen but are _sure_ it will happen and they are almost smug in their thoughts.

And what scares her the most about it is that she almost wants to hurt them, to _kill_ them, for it. She knows it would only show that they are right, but all the same, she can feel her powers overflowing inside her and just to loose a bit, to kill one student, to punish them for thinking she is just a monster—

And even now she knows that if she did, Squall would turn on her. He would be hurt, terribly wounded, betrayed, but he is a SeeD, bred to kill sorceresses that go rogue and he would make no exception for her. And she knows she would see those same words work their way from his throat, those slow, deliberate words (Squall was always best at being deliberate with what he said)—

_"You're just another enemy to us."_

Just another monster.

She looks up to see that Zell's caught a fish and Selphie is dashing around the dock, squealing in both delight and disgust.

She's not crying. If there's anything traveling with Squall has taught her, it's that she doesn't always have to be open. While sometimes it's better to be open, it's also sometimes better to be closed off. Not everyone needs to see her pain.

Squall's rubbed off on her (she's not sure if she's better or worse off because of it).

Despite the lack of tears she feels like she's being torn apart from the inside, the very thought of Squall turning his blade on her, Knight being forced to kill his own Sorceress, and even now she can imagine the look he'd have in his eyes, that sad, haunted look that he nearly had when he saved her from the sealing (and even now she wonders if maybe she should have been sealed, maybe it would have been better that way, then the world wouldn't have another sorceress to fear), when he nearly lost her after she had just started to teach him how to be open again.

She hates that haunted, empty look in his eyes, because it can be filled with anything (anger, hate, poison of the soul, lies about how she was probably just waiting for the right time to betray him and she never wanted him as a knight at all), anything that Garden or SeeD wants him to hear, wants him to believe (she was a liar, a monster), anything at all.

She has to wonder sometimes if maybe they are right and she can see Squall in her mind saying to her the same words he said to Seifer (you're just a monster now just a monster nothing more than that) and the thought terrifies her because she does not want to be alone, she cannot stand to be alone.

Just a monster now. Nothing more than an enemy.

A Sorceress is a SeeD's enemy. A SeeD's enemy is a monster.

A Sorceress is a monster.

A monster is an enemy.

Enemies are destroyed.

Sorceresses are destroyed.

And that is what she fears most, is to be destroyed by the very people she considers friends, the very people she wants nothing more than to be with, to hold her hand (because she has always needed her hand to be held, though she'll deny it much like Squall always has his whole life—she is a big girl, she does not need people standing beside her to make sure she doesn't get into trouble. It's one of the finer lies she's told).

She fears being attacked (instead of defended), fears being vulnerable (instead of secure), fears being an enemy (instead of an ally—much as she'd like to call herself a friend, she's still not sure if she should, it's not a term SeeDs use openly—is she trying to make a SeeD of herself now? A Sorceress SeeD, a woman trained to kill herself, the ironies are so bitter it's almost _funny_). She fears so many things and yet all she can do is close her eyes and swear not to cry, swear she's strong enough to withstand everything that comes her way.

(What scares her most about _that_ is that she might not be strong enough, she knows she will break at some point no matter what she does and she hates herself for it so much and she wishes she could change it, but knows she can't. She's just like a little child, still seven years old in her own mind, and she hates herself for that so very much that it stings.)

And Selphie is suddenly near her and asking if she is all right and she has to think for a moment—

_You're just another monster now_

(but she's not a monster, she won't be, she can hold strong or at least she hopes she can)

_nothing__ more than an enemy_

(but she's not, she's an ally or maybe even a friend and she knows that she's needed or at least she hopes she's needed and she needs them, needs that look in Squall's eyes, needs that barest bone of a smile on his lips)

_and__ we won't let you stop us_

(but she'll stop if they only tell her, she already told Squall it was okay to die if he was the one to kill her and she plans to hold true to that promise and what kind of monster, what kind of enemy lets itself be destroyed by what it once called allies—friends?)

_I am no monster_

(and she's not and she knows she's just like Seifer in saying this, the parallels are sad and amusing all at once even though she hates herself for being so much like Seifer if only just this once)

—and she answers "yes" to Selphie, standing and dusting herself off, and doesn't even leave a shadow behind her.


End file.
